“ I don’t like destroying myself, but I do it just to stay sane.
Skinny, pretty, lovable, all while telling everyone to go fuck themselves because I don’t care what they think. And I don’t. I care too much what I think. I care so much about being the person in my head that I make myself crazy. I destroy myself to be her, which is ironic, because she’s supposed to be much, much stronger than me. She’s fearless and I am so afraid that I’m going to wither away. I don’t want to, Jesus I don’t want to, I’m terrified. I’m breaking mirrors and my bones and my psyche; my dad only wanted me to be smart, to work hard. He spent years trying to stop me from wearing makeup, because he thought I was too young. I was. I wasn’t even ten when I was dabbing on pink eye shadow. And my mom, she always tells me I’m beautiful the way I am and I just don’t want to make my parents bury me at such a young age. But it’s so fucking hard to feel good enough when everything you love leaves you like you weren’t. When you close your eyes at night and are left alone with this pain that no one around you sees or understands. But I have to stop destroying myself. I know I do. And maybe in this way, I will become fearless. ”